My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
