Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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