Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
