When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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