I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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