I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
