I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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