I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
