We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
