i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
