I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
