I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I bet he comes in French.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
