I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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