I think I died a long time ago.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
