I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
