I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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