yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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