I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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