Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
