I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
