so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
worst night to have a conscience
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
