for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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