Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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