4 words: hood of his car
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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