Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
