I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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