My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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