just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
