Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
