i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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