I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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