It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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