I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
