You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
