A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
