trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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