i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
