Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
