you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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