I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
