just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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