He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
