Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
