So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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