It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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