I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
