You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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