I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
