The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
