we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
