i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just invented taco cereal.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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