Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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