I wish I only lived at night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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