my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
