I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
