Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
